Halloween Costumes No One Asked For

Yes, it’s Halloween once again. Not my favorite holiday by a long shot, but for the most part I tolerate it. I do my best to go low-effort in the costume department--most years I just wear my ‘I Feel Like Death’ shirt and a pair of rhinestone bat clips in my hair and call it done. Maybe an orange and black manicure, but only if I’m feeling particularly motivated.

In all honesty, if forced to dress up, I prefer to err heavily on the side of sarcasm and disdain. One year, in high school, a couple of my friends decided that they wanted to go trick-or-treating. I went with them just to go, and dressed as ‘the responsible adult’. Basically, I dressed up like a hooker.

Nobody seemed to understand the irony.

This year, I bought myself a hedgehog onesie so that I can curl up in a spiky ball when anyone at the office asks me for anything and claim I’m just ‘staying in character’, though it could be argued that the onesie simply highlights my normal state of being, but never mind.

Any old way, I have some ideas for terrible Halloween costumes if, like me, you prefer to be kind of a jerk about the whole thing.

Gladys Kravitz
Dress like a 1950s housewife and stick your nose into everything. If you’re at the office, go to meetings you haven’t been invited to. Stare through the windows of the neighboring office suites. Eavesdrop in a completely obvious fashion on any conversation you happen to come across. Extra points if you make yourself a prop window (with curtains and a window box, of course) and carry it around with you.

Ostrich
This is a beauty. You can stick your head in the sand any time you don’t want to deal with something. Extra points for bringing your own bucket of sand.

The Perfume Lady at Macy’s
Dress all in black with overdone makeup, and any time someone passes you, shout “WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR PRODUCT?!” while simultaneously spraying them directly in the face with Chanel No. 5. Extra points for aggressively handing out those perfume sample leaflets that fall out of magazines.

Sloth
Dress as a sloth. Accomplish one thing during the day
. . . v . . . e . . . r . . . y . . .    . . .    . . . s . . . l . . . o . . . w . . . l . . . y . . .
Extra points for accomplishing nothing at all.

Spy
Put on your best James Bond outfit and proceed to drive like you’re being followed by a top Soviet agent. Once you’re at work, slink stealthily through the hallways. Check around all the corners. Tear your desk apart trying to find the bug. Hide behind large potted plants. Call your boss by a letter instead of their name. Brood heavily. Extra points for finding the love of your life and then having them die in a tragic accident before you leave for the day.

Popular Sports Player
Dress in sports uniform and adopt a similar physicality to that of the Spy, except with more obvious running around and sports equipment involved. Extra points if you tackle your boss, or hit them in the head with a polo mallet.*

Box
Find a large cardboard box that accommodates your entire body and covers you completely when you crouch down. Set yourself up in different places in the office throughout the day. “What the heck is this box doing here?” your coworkers will ask. “Has anyone seen Bill?” they will wonder. Extra points for putting yourself smack in the middle of walkways, doorways, or in front of important and frequently used office equipment.

Wizard
Costume-wearer’s choice: you can go the Harry Potter route or the Gandalf route, as long as you have either a wand or a staff as part of your ensemble. Spend your day ‘casting spells’ and forbidding coworkers to use the doors by standing in front of them and bellowing “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Extra points if you turn someone into a toad.

Well-Known Video Game Character
Treat the office like a parkour course. Jump over wide spaces. Hop on top of boxes and desks. Jump up so your head hits the ceiling tiles and makes them move. Every so often, run through everything in your path at top speed. Extra points if you hum your theme song as you do it.

Meter Maid
Borrow your grandfather’s Rascal Scooter. Scoot around the office and give tickets to every desk, copier, server stack, file cabinet, or person standing still. Extra points if you chalk people’s shoes, scoot around the table, and then give them the ticket.

Comic Book Superhero
Dress like a nocturnal mammal, and sit on the roof of the office building with your cape billowing moodily in the wind. Extra points if you get the intern to dress up as your sidekick. Double extra points if you get the janitor to dress up as your butler.

Well, there you have it, friends. A list of things you can dress up as today and annoy the ever-loving daylights out of everyone else. Go put the ‘trick’ back in ‘trick-or-treat’!

I will leave you with this gem from Arthur’s Halloween by Marc Brown:

I’M A BAKED POTATO!

 

*My editor notes that this could be quite messy, and suggests: "Try doing it in the parking lot, then run around with your shirt over your head yelling GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!"

Centenary

100.

One hundred.

This is my 100th post.

One hundred is one of those weird numbers; it feels like a lot, but it also feels like a drop in the bucket. One hundred cupcakes? That’s a whole bunch of cupcakes. $100 towards the downpayment on a house? Peanuts! Hardly worth mentioning!

One hundred people in line ahead of you at the coffee shop? Too many!

One hundred sprinkles on your ice cream cone? Not enough!

One hundred bottles of beer on the wall? Please don’t sing that song.

Once per week, for one hundred weeks, I’ve poked you on a Thursday morning to drone on about something completely inane. I’m honestly surprised I’ve managed to keep it up this long. Usually I am very much one of those people who gets excited at the prospect of a shiny new thing, keeps being excited about it for exactly half an hour, and then gets distracted by a butterfly and moves on to something else entirely. It was worse when I was a child--ask my mother. She is the queen of finishing one thing before moving on to the next, and my utter inability to finish much of anything besides my dinner was a constant source of consternation to her. I remember plenty of arguments stemming from half-finished projects lying around cluttering up the house. I also remember having delusions of grandeur about creative projects I was planning to undertake, enormous book sagas I was going to write--nine-year-old me had ideas, man. But did any of them ever come to fruition?

Pft.

I’ve certainly improved in this sector. I’ve developed my ‘follow-through’ muscles, if you will. There are far fewer artistic endeavors languishing half-finished in my ‘Bin of Good Ideas’* these days. Most of the stories I start writing get endings. Most of the artsy-crafty doo-dahs I undertake end up on someone’s wall rather than under my bed covered in dust.

I’m not perfect, but I try.

At this point in the post I ought to switch gears and do something meaningful with the number 100. ‘100 Things I’ve Learned Writing This Blog’, or ‘100 Things I’m Going To Write About In My Next 100 Posts’.

Unfortunately I’m not that cerebral.

If you haven’t worked it out by now, 100 posts in, I’m far more likely to err on the side of irreverent, and even more likely to opt for irrelevant. It’s just how I do. Part of me wonders if at this point perhaps I’ve run out of fodder for my weekly verbal assault on your innocent gray matter. It certainly feels like it some weeks. That’s leading me to wonder if I ought to take a temporary hiatus, or possibly give the whole thing up and re-channel my energies into something else. There’s no point in beating a dead horse, right? If the numbers are anything to go by, I’ve become less interesting as time has passed. (Yes, I’m weird like that. I take averages. I compare month over month. I may or may not have a spreadsheet. Shush.)

The other part of me thinks perhaps I ought to persevere. Push through. Onwards, onwards, to victory, et-Shakespearian-king-character-cetera. Plateaus aren’t forever. Then again, they might be. I’m not a geological metaphor expert. If I choose to proceed, what am I gaining? What, if anything, am I losing? Am I stopping because this has come to its natural end, or just because it’s getting harder to think of things to drone about and I’m just getting lazy?

I’m sure my editor would be thrilled to get half an hour back every week. I mean, who wouldn’t? Let’s face it. Voluntarily editing someone else’s self-referential ramblings holds about as much appeal as doing a sniff-test on a pair of socks you may or may not have worn two days ago. At best, the socks are clean--you move a couple of commas around and call it finished. At worst, you forgot that not only did you wear the socks, but wore them to the gym--the whole post is a Grade A disaster and you have to tear it apart. An editor’s nightmare.

Be kind to your editors, folks. Don’t give them stinky socks to work with.

But I digress. Or do I? This whole thing started out as ‘an exercise in futility’, and overall I feel it’s been pretty true to that label.

So...now what?




*Cliff Faulkner, one of my professors at UC Irvine in design and theatre history, coined this phrase. Have a neat idea but can’t fit it into your current concept? Store it away in the ‘Bin of Good Ideas’ and keep it for another time. One year, a friend and I made him a physical ‘Bin of Good Ideas’ as a gift. I’m not sure he completely appreciated our literal iteration, but hey, who doesn’t need a spare Rubbermaid tub in their life?

Wead me a ‘towey!

I know a couple of people who are expecting babies soon. When there are impending small humans, you have to buy gifts.

I always buy books.

I do this for several reasons. One, because most kids love it when you read to them. Two, because reading to small humans is good for their brains. Three, because how many novelty onesies does an infant need, for fuck’s sake? The fourth is a purely selfish reason: I have excellent taste in children’s literature and it is my God-given duty to spread the wealth of my knowledge amongst the masses.

(I said it was selfish.)

I own quite a few childrens’ books. In fact, I have an entire shelf dedicated to them. Some of them have been mine since I was small, and some I had when I was small and have obtained new copies as an adult. I have been known to trawl the kid’s section at bookstores for my own entertainment. I LOVE giving out reading recommendations for the kiddiewinks--not just the picture book set, but right up through the elementary/middle school range.

I was lucky in that I had a mother who was more than happy to read to me most of the time. (Except when I wanted Chicken Little. She HATED that story. “Goosey Loosey? Cocky Locky? Good grief. What’s next, Ducky Fucky?” ← I’m not kidding about that bit.) She also did voices. Frances the badger sounded like Lily Tomlin’s character Edith Ann. I know there were others, but that’s the one that has stuck with me. This backfired a bit, because when it was time for me to learn to read, I dug in my heels. Why should I do it myself when I have a perfectly good built-in reader? Eventually I gave in, of course, and once that happened, my mother says I disappeared. I always had my face in a book.

As an adult, I’m nowhere near as voracious a reader as I was as a child, and I hate myself for it.

In any case, I was putting some genuine thought into the books I was going to purchase for these two soon-to-be kiddos, and a thought occurred. I really should have gone to school for library science and become a children’s librarian. I missed a big opportunity there, and am currently kicking myself. I mentioned this epiphany to my mother, and apparently during the era of college applications she had mentioned it as a possibility. I don’t recall this, but I’m sure she’s right. She also mentioned that the likelihood of there being an online course for an MLIS these days was fairly high, all things considered.

I looked some up. They exist. I happen to know some librarians. I’ll be making inquiries. (Triple-I peeps, you have been warned!)

I don’t know just how serious I am about the possibility of a career change, especially one that involves obtaining yet another degree, but I’m entertaining it nonetheless. Of course, knowing how public funding works, it’s likely a complete nightmare to try to maintain anything like a decent children’s collection and programming--if you can even swing a library job in the first place.

Do schools even have libraries anymore?

I really just want to read good books to small humans. It’s too bad that volunteer storytimes are always at 10am on Wednesdays when Real Adults are, you know, at work.

Another thought that’s occurred during all this baby-present-buying is that apart from a small stack of books* I picked up last year on my trip to visit friends in England, my knowledge of recent children’s literature is lacking somewhat. I mean, I know what I absolutely wouldn’t voluntarily read to the kiddos, which is a pretty extensive list, all things considered, but surely there have been some kid’s books published in the last 20-or-so years that aren’t gut-wrenchingly twee or bile-inducingly saccharine or brain-meltingly fatuous...right?

::Googles ‘top-10 kid’s books 2018’::

These don’t look too bad. How is it that I always end up hearing about nothing but stories that make me want to vomit in my cornflakes? I’m sure it has something to do with what’s popular as opposed to what’s actually good. Parents and other gift-givers sometimes err on the side of other forms of media to help them choose reading material.

“Vanessa likes princesses. Where are the Disney books?”

That one in particular gives me a rash, but I’ll leave that for another time. I’m not saying that those books are terrible, but they’re usually much less about the quality of the story than they are about being recognizable and thereby coveted by the tutu and tiara set. That’s why I like to get in early with characters like Eloise and Phoebe and this little nameless lady, or books with good morals that aren’t shoved down your throat, or just something utterly silly.

Now, who wants a reading list?




*Oi Frog https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Frog-Friends/dp/1444910868/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-1

Oi Dog
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Dog-Frog-Friends/dp/1444919598/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-6

Oi Cat
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Cat-Frog-Friends/dp/1444932519/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-2

Oi Duck-Billed Platypus
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Duck-billed-Platypus-Frog-Friends/dp/1444937332/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-4

You’re called WHAT?!
https://smile.amazon.com/Youre-Called-Nikki-Dyson-illustrator/dp/1509821449/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=you%27re+called+what%3F&qid=1571158662&sr=8-1

Just a thought…

Okay, kids, I’ve had a hell of a week and I’m running on empty, so instead of incoherent babbling (which is what you’d get if I were to try to be clever right now) I’m going to do this instead.

We’re entering the holiday season. (Again, somehow. Wasn’t it just Easter?!) This can be a difficult time of year for many people for a myriad of reasons. I’m not going to be able to cover all contingencies by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve got a couple of thoughts, anyway.

Don’t discount the traditional types of giving. Food, toy, and clothing drives, monetary donations, volunteering--these are all amazing things, and if that’s your style, DO IT. You make the world a better place for lots of people when you do this and even a little can go a long way. And you’re spoiled for choice these days about where to spread your joy. Women’s shelters, LGBTQ+ organizations, children’s hospitals, veterans charities, scholarship funds, organizations supporting people in recovery from substance abuse (shameless plug for a non-profit that owes its existence in large part to a family member of mine: https://support4recovery.org/), the list goes on and on.

That’s got people covered, right? Right. You can tick humans off your list. Now, what about our furry friends? A great number of us have pets, or enjoy animals in some capacity, so why not apply the same logic to them as we do to our fellow humans? There are plenty of shelters and rescues who need just as much help as the services for people at this time of the year. (And all the time, really. I’ll just slip in here and say that January through September don’t magically make the needs go away.) Like dogs? Find out if you can help with walks or kennel cleaning. Like cats? Drop off some catnip mice. Extra points if you made them with your small humans, and they all have wonky ears because your five year old hasn’t quite mastered the art of safety scissors! Also, there are rescues and sanctuaries for all kinds of other animals beyond Fido and Fluffy. Farm animal sanctuaries, exotic animal rescues, the works.

Like rodents as much as I do? https://raticalrodentrescue.org/

Great. We’ve got tangible needs pretty well covered, yeah? Well, now we get to the trickier stuff. We can never know everything that’s going on in the lives of the people we know. The easiest thing to do is to be kind even when you might not want to, because you have no idea what the person currently making your life a misery is going through. Everyone has a bad day once in a while. Some people have bad weeks, or months, or even years. Give the benefit of the doubt as much as possible.

If you know someone, or even think you know someone who is having a rough time or in the throes of a crisis, here’s a great resource to help you start a conversation with them.
https://makeitok.org/
https://makeitok.org/resources/

And here’s a link for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and their support services that are local to you (US only, I’m afraid):
https://nami.org/#
https://nami.org/Find-Support

If you’re in the UK:
https://www.samaritans.org/

Or Canada:
https://thelifelinecanada.ca/help/crisis-centres/canadian-crisis-centres/

If you’re facing the possibility of spending the majority of your holidays alone, you can use #Joinin on Twitter, an online holiday party of sorts championed by UK comedian Sarah Millican.

Yes, I’m pushing the mental health agenda in part because it’s relevant to me, but also because it is often overlooked in favor of Barbies and box after box of bowtie pasta. This time of the year can be immensely suckful for people, and a lot of them feel guilty for “bringing everyone down” if they’re not all happy and excited, so they have to put on a front, which wears them down even more. Some people just disappear until after New Year’s. If you’re not comfortable trying to help a loved one wrestle their demons head-on, there are still ways you can reach out and let them know that you support them. Call. Have a movie night. Bake them a cake. (Okay, that might be me being greedy, but seriously. Cake.) Sometimes all people need is quiet companionship, or a welcome distraction.

Also hugs. But ask first unless you know the person really well.

And for those of us who struggle with rabid brain weasels throughout the year, remember that it’s okay to laugh at the situation in which you find yourself. Plenty of people do. There’s an amazing podcast about it.

https://www.hilariousworld.org/

You’ll see some familiar faces as you click through the episodes.

I’ll keep foisting this idea into your consciousness as we continue on towards the end of 2019, but it never hurts to start early.

Take care of yourselves.

Horoscopes. Because why not?

Aries
You’re going to bang your head against a lot of walls in the coming weeks--figuratively and literally. (Seriously, watch out for that low beam on the stairs as you come out of the parking garage. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.) Everything is stacked against you, and, well, you’re S.O.L., kid. Wait until the moon is waning to try anything new, otherwise you’re flirting with disaster. Lucky numbers: 0.

Taurus
You seem to want everything you see right now, and you’ll stop at nothing to get it. This is going to come around and bite you in the ass sooner rather than later. Your hoarding of physical goods and greedy, tooth-and-nail obtainment of less tangible things like job promotions will start to alienate you from the people in your life, and we know you’re sitting there reading this thinking Oh, yeah right. That’s so not me. And we also know you won’t believe it until it starts to happen...and you start to feel the teeth nipping at your rump. Lucky numbers: 18, 78, 138. The eights look like butts.

Gemini
You will befriend the old bag lady who always sits on the corner of Main and East Street, and she will give you a gift--three dead pigeons, an empty McDonald’s soft drink cup, and a Susan B. Anthony dollar--before shuffling off her mortal coil while you juggle the pigeons because ew. You will stay until the coroner arrives, and when no one is looking, you’ll chuck the pigeons in the van with the bag lady’s body. Lucky numbers: 87, 87, 87. It’s the number on the building the bag lady sat in front of.

Cancer
You are going to cling to anything and everything you hold dear this month. Everything will make you cry; puppies, magazine covers, commercials for fabric softener--you name it, you’re gonna cry about it. At least until you get mad, and then everybody had better take cover because you’re gonna go all ‘Hulk smash!’ up in this bitch. Then you’ll go back to crying because some Leo bitch runs by you and stamps on your foot really hard and doesn’t say sorry. Lucky numbers: 1, 16, 22. One puppy, sixteen magazine covers, and the same fabric softener commercial 22 times.

Leo
You will fall in love with a lion at the zoo. Your attempt to free said lion will be thwarted by a zoo security guard named Ralph, who has a limp and a lisp and is about 180 years old. You will wonder what sort of karmic deficit you’re running for this to have occurred. Lucky numbers: 3, 13, 23. Threes are good for you right now, apparently.

Virgo
Whatever it is, you’re overthinking it. Stop it. We’re not going to tell you your lucky numbers, because you’ll turn your living room into a giant spider web of yarn and push pins trying to ‘figure out the goddamn connection’.

Libra
Be on the lookout for Ponzi schemes. Oh, shit. You already bought into one, didn’t you. Damn it, Libra, how many times do we have to talk about this? No lucky numbers for you!

Scorpio
Dude. We get it. You’re always right, we’re always wrong, we’re all out to get you. But you know what? If you took all that resentfulness down a notch or two and stopped being such a complete dick to everyone, then everyone might stop being such a dick to you. It takes two to tango, friend. Lucky numbers, 11, 44, 99. They’re in pairs, like you could be if you’d stop being an ass.

Sagittarius
You sure put your size twelve in it this week, didn’t you? That is a monster of a hole you’ve dug for yourself, and yet you just keep digging. Think before you speak, Sagittarius. Alternately, buy stock in Advil, because at the rate you’re going, you’re gonna tunnel your way to China by lunchtime. Lucky numbers: 4 (like a shovel), 14 (like a shovel with a longer handle), 114 (like the shovel you’re using right now).

Capricorn
Your obsession with the practical will mean you miss out on a lot of fun this month. Mostly because your friends are sick of you being such a wet blanket and have decided to go out without you. Let go once in a while. The world won’t stop turning if you don’t wash your dishes immediately after dinner, regardless of how deeply you believe that to be the case. Lucky numbers: 5, 10, 15. Nice, orderly intervals.

Aquarius
If there’s a nursery rhyme to describe you right now, it’s Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary. Even when you know someone is right, you’re taking an opposing stance just because you can. Well guess what, Aquarius? You’re throwin’ off our groove! Take a chill pill, man. There’s a song in a famous musical all about the age of you. Remember that the next time the hairs on the back of your neck start standing up. Lucky numbers: 42 (the meaning of life, man), 69 (groovy, man), 420 (far out, man).

Pisces
You know that person who always manages to guilt-trip you into doing things for them? Cut. That bitch. Out. Of your life. Your compassion is getting the best of you, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to get you into trouble. Stop being so damn nice all the time! Stand up for yourself, you sniveling little weasel! Lucky numbers: 9, 26, 38. We’re not telling you why.