Yes, it’s Halloween once again. Not my favorite holiday by a long shot, but for the most part I tolerate it. I do my best to go low-effort in the costume department--most years I just wear my ‘I Feel Like Death’ shirt and a pair of rhinestone bat clips in my hair and call it done. Maybe an orange and black manicure, but only if I’m feeling particularly motivated.
In all honesty, if forced to dress up, I prefer to err heavily on the side of sarcasm and disdain. One year, in high school, a couple of my friends decided that they wanted to go trick-or-treating. I went with them just to go, and dressed as ‘the responsible adult’. Basically, I dressed up like a hooker.
Nobody seemed to understand the irony.
This year, I bought myself a hedgehog onesie so that I can curl up in a spiky ball when anyone at the office asks me for anything and claim I’m just ‘staying in character’, though it could be argued that the onesie simply highlights my normal state of being, but never mind.
Any old way, I have some ideas for terrible Halloween costumes if, like me, you prefer to be kind of a jerk about the whole thing.
Gladys Kravitz
Dress like a 1950s housewife and stick your nose into everything. If you’re at the office, go to meetings you haven’t been invited to. Stare through the windows of the neighboring office suites. Eavesdrop in a completely obvious fashion on any conversation you happen to come across. Extra points if you make yourself a prop window (with curtains and a window box, of course) and carry it around with you.
Ostrich
This is a beauty. You can stick your head in the sand any time you don’t want to deal with something. Extra points for bringing your own bucket of sand.
The Perfume Lady at Macy’s
Dress all in black with overdone makeup, and any time someone passes you, shout “WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR PRODUCT?!” while simultaneously spraying them directly in the face with Chanel No. 5. Extra points for aggressively handing out those perfume sample leaflets that fall out of magazines.
Sloth
Dress as a sloth. Accomplish one thing during the day
. . . v . . . e . . . r . . . y . . . . . . . . . s . . . l . . . o . . . w . . . l . . . y . . .
Extra points for accomplishing nothing at all.
Spy
Put on your best James Bond outfit and proceed to drive like you’re being followed by a top Soviet agent. Once you’re at work, slink stealthily through the hallways. Check around all the corners. Tear your desk apart trying to find the bug. Hide behind large potted plants. Call your boss by a letter instead of their name. Brood heavily. Extra points for finding the love of your life and then having them die in a tragic accident before you leave for the day.
Popular Sports Player
Dress in sports uniform and adopt a similar physicality to that of the Spy, except with more obvious running around and sports equipment involved. Extra points if you tackle your boss, or hit them in the head with a polo mallet.*
Box
Find a large cardboard box that accommodates your entire body and covers you completely when you crouch down. Set yourself up in different places in the office throughout the day. “What the heck is this box doing here?” your coworkers will ask. “Has anyone seen Bill?” they will wonder. Extra points for putting yourself smack in the middle of walkways, doorways, or in front of important and frequently used office equipment.
Wizard
Costume-wearer’s choice: you can go the Harry Potter route or the Gandalf route, as long as you have either a wand or a staff as part of your ensemble. Spend your day ‘casting spells’ and forbidding coworkers to use the doors by standing in front of them and bellowing “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Extra points if you turn someone into a toad.
Well-Known Video Game Character
Treat the office like a parkour course. Jump over wide spaces. Hop on top of boxes and desks. Jump up so your head hits the ceiling tiles and makes them move. Every so often, run through everything in your path at top speed. Extra points if you hum your theme song as you do it.
Meter Maid
Borrow your grandfather’s Rascal Scooter. Scoot around the office and give tickets to every desk, copier, server stack, file cabinet, or person standing still. Extra points if you chalk people’s shoes, scoot around the table, and then give them the ticket.
Comic Book Superhero
Dress like a nocturnal mammal, and sit on the roof of the office building with your cape billowing moodily in the wind. Extra points if you get the intern to dress up as your sidekick. Double extra points if you get the janitor to dress up as your butler.
Well, there you have it, friends. A list of things you can dress up as today and annoy the ever-loving daylights out of everyone else. Go put the ‘trick’ back in ‘trick-or-treat’!
I will leave you with this gem from Arthur’s Halloween by Marc Brown:
I’M A BAKED POTATO!
*My editor notes that this could be quite messy, and suggests: "Try doing it in the parking lot, then run around with your shirt over your head yelling GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!"
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::does best ostrich impression::
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