Wead me a ‘towey!

I know a couple of people who are expecting babies soon. When there are impending small humans, you have to buy gifts.

I always buy books.

I do this for several reasons. One, because most kids love it when you read to them. Two, because reading to small humans is good for their brains. Three, because how many novelty onesies does an infant need, for fuck’s sake? The fourth is a purely selfish reason: I have excellent taste in children’s literature and it is my God-given duty to spread the wealth of my knowledge amongst the masses.

(I said it was selfish.)

I own quite a few childrens’ books. In fact, I have an entire shelf dedicated to them. Some of them have been mine since I was small, and some I had when I was small and have obtained new copies as an adult. I have been known to trawl the kid’s section at bookstores for my own entertainment. I LOVE giving out reading recommendations for the kiddiewinks--not just the picture book set, but right up through the elementary/middle school range.

I was lucky in that I had a mother who was more than happy to read to me most of the time. (Except when I wanted Chicken Little. She HATED that story. “Goosey Loosey? Cocky Locky? Good grief. What’s next, Ducky Fucky?” ← I’m not kidding about that bit.) She also did voices. Frances the badger sounded like Lily Tomlin’s character Edith Ann. I know there were others, but that’s the one that has stuck with me. This backfired a bit, because when it was time for me to learn to read, I dug in my heels. Why should I do it myself when I have a perfectly good built-in reader? Eventually I gave in, of course, and once that happened, my mother says I disappeared. I always had my face in a book.

As an adult, I’m nowhere near as voracious a reader as I was as a child, and I hate myself for it.

In any case, I was putting some genuine thought into the books I was going to purchase for these two soon-to-be kiddos, and a thought occurred. I really should have gone to school for library science and become a children’s librarian. I missed a big opportunity there, and am currently kicking myself. I mentioned this epiphany to my mother, and apparently during the era of college applications she had mentioned it as a possibility. I don’t recall this, but I’m sure she’s right. She also mentioned that the likelihood of there being an online course for an MLIS these days was fairly high, all things considered.

I looked some up. They exist. I happen to know some librarians. I’ll be making inquiries. (Triple-I peeps, you have been warned!)

I don’t know just how serious I am about the possibility of a career change, especially one that involves obtaining yet another degree, but I’m entertaining it nonetheless. Of course, knowing how public funding works, it’s likely a complete nightmare to try to maintain anything like a decent children’s collection and programming--if you can even swing a library job in the first place.

Do schools even have libraries anymore?

I really just want to read good books to small humans. It’s too bad that volunteer storytimes are always at 10am on Wednesdays when Real Adults are, you know, at work.

Another thought that’s occurred during all this baby-present-buying is that apart from a small stack of books* I picked up last year on my trip to visit friends in England, my knowledge of recent children’s literature is lacking somewhat. I mean, I know what I absolutely wouldn’t voluntarily read to the kiddos, which is a pretty extensive list, all things considered, but surely there have been some kid’s books published in the last 20-or-so years that aren’t gut-wrenchingly twee or bile-inducingly saccharine or brain-meltingly fatuous...right?

::Googles ‘top-10 kid’s books 2018’::

These don’t look too bad. How is it that I always end up hearing about nothing but stories that make me want to vomit in my cornflakes? I’m sure it has something to do with what’s popular as opposed to what’s actually good. Parents and other gift-givers sometimes err on the side of other forms of media to help them choose reading material.

“Vanessa likes princesses. Where are the Disney books?”

That one in particular gives me a rash, but I’ll leave that for another time. I’m not saying that those books are terrible, but they’re usually much less about the quality of the story than they are about being recognizable and thereby coveted by the tutu and tiara set. That’s why I like to get in early with characters like Eloise and Phoebe and this little nameless lady, or books with good morals that aren’t shoved down your throat, or just something utterly silly.

Now, who wants a reading list?




*Oi Frog https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Frog-Friends/dp/1444910868/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-1

Oi Dog
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Dog-Frog-Friends/dp/1444919598/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-6

Oi Cat
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Cat-Frog-Friends/dp/1444932519/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-2

Oi Duck-Billed Platypus
https://smile.amazon.com/Oi-Duck-billed-Platypus-Frog-Friends/dp/1444937332/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=oi+frog&qid=1571158638&sr=8-4

You’re called WHAT?!
https://smile.amazon.com/Youre-Called-Nikki-Dyson-illustrator/dp/1509821449/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=you%27re+called+what%3F&qid=1571158662&sr=8-1