Horoscopes. Because why not?

Aries
You’re going to bang your head against a lot of walls in the coming weeks--figuratively and literally. (Seriously, watch out for that low beam on the stairs as you come out of the parking garage. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.) Everything is stacked against you, and, well, you’re S.O.L., kid. Wait until the moon is waning to try anything new, otherwise you’re flirting with disaster. Lucky numbers: 0.

Taurus
You seem to want everything you see right now, and you’ll stop at nothing to get it. This is going to come around and bite you in the ass sooner rather than later. Your hoarding of physical goods and greedy, tooth-and-nail obtainment of less tangible things like job promotions will start to alienate you from the people in your life, and we know you’re sitting there reading this thinking Oh, yeah right. That’s so not me. And we also know you won’t believe it until it starts to happen...and you start to feel the teeth nipping at your rump. Lucky numbers: 18, 78, 138. The eights look like butts.

Gemini
You will befriend the old bag lady who always sits on the corner of Main and East Street, and she will give you a gift--three dead pigeons, an empty McDonald’s soft drink cup, and a Susan B. Anthony dollar--before shuffling off her mortal coil while you juggle the pigeons because ew. You will stay until the coroner arrives, and when no one is looking, you’ll chuck the pigeons in the van with the bag lady’s body. Lucky numbers: 87, 87, 87. It’s the number on the building the bag lady sat in front of.

Cancer
You are going to cling to anything and everything you hold dear this month. Everything will make you cry; puppies, magazine covers, commercials for fabric softener--you name it, you’re gonna cry about it. At least until you get mad, and then everybody had better take cover because you’re gonna go all ‘Hulk smash!’ up in this bitch. Then you’ll go back to crying because some Leo bitch runs by you and stamps on your foot really hard and doesn’t say sorry. Lucky numbers: 1, 16, 22. One puppy, sixteen magazine covers, and the same fabric softener commercial 22 times.

Leo
You will fall in love with a lion at the zoo. Your attempt to free said lion will be thwarted by a zoo security guard named Ralph, who has a limp and a lisp and is about 180 years old. You will wonder what sort of karmic deficit you’re running for this to have occurred. Lucky numbers: 3, 13, 23. Threes are good for you right now, apparently.

Virgo
Whatever it is, you’re overthinking it. Stop it. We’re not going to tell you your lucky numbers, because you’ll turn your living room into a giant spider web of yarn and push pins trying to ‘figure out the goddamn connection’.

Libra
Be on the lookout for Ponzi schemes. Oh, shit. You already bought into one, didn’t you. Damn it, Libra, how many times do we have to talk about this? No lucky numbers for you!

Scorpio
Dude. We get it. You’re always right, we’re always wrong, we’re all out to get you. But you know what? If you took all that resentfulness down a notch or two and stopped being such a complete dick to everyone, then everyone might stop being such a dick to you. It takes two to tango, friend. Lucky numbers, 11, 44, 99. They’re in pairs, like you could be if you’d stop being an ass.

Sagittarius
You sure put your size twelve in it this week, didn’t you? That is a monster of a hole you’ve dug for yourself, and yet you just keep digging. Think before you speak, Sagittarius. Alternately, buy stock in Advil, because at the rate you’re going, you’re gonna tunnel your way to China by lunchtime. Lucky numbers: 4 (like a shovel), 14 (like a shovel with a longer handle), 114 (like the shovel you’re using right now).

Capricorn
Your obsession with the practical will mean you miss out on a lot of fun this month. Mostly because your friends are sick of you being such a wet blanket and have decided to go out without you. Let go once in a while. The world won’t stop turning if you don’t wash your dishes immediately after dinner, regardless of how deeply you believe that to be the case. Lucky numbers: 5, 10, 15. Nice, orderly intervals.

Aquarius
If there’s a nursery rhyme to describe you right now, it’s Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary. Even when you know someone is right, you’re taking an opposing stance just because you can. Well guess what, Aquarius? You’re throwin’ off our groove! Take a chill pill, man. There’s a song in a famous musical all about the age of you. Remember that the next time the hairs on the back of your neck start standing up. Lucky numbers: 42 (the meaning of life, man), 69 (groovy, man), 420 (far out, man).

Pisces
You know that person who always manages to guilt-trip you into doing things for them? Cut. That bitch. Out. Of your life. Your compassion is getting the best of you, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to get you into trouble. Stop being so damn nice all the time! Stand up for yourself, you sniveling little weasel! Lucky numbers: 9, 26, 38. We’re not telling you why.