Zombieees!

Last week I gave you a very cut-and-dried ‘How To Not Die in the Aftermath of a Disaster’ lecture. Then I got thinking about what got me motivated to do my own disaster preparations, and I thought, Why not give them the zombie version, too?

Caveat: you could just go read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (son of Hollywood legend Mel Brooks). But that would take you ages, whereas this will take you ten minutes, so...hooray for the abridged version?

Let’s start by assuming two things: 1) you’ve been forced to flee your home area and seek a safe haven elsewhere, and 2) you’re starting with the basics we covered last week: food, water, shelter, and a plan to get to your people. Great. Now, let’s expand on that, because an earthquake is a one-time event leading to a relatively short period of disaster recovery, but zombies are forever. So now you need your basics for a prolonged period of time, and your supply of powdered Chicken à la King is unlikely to last as long as you might like. You aren’t going to want to live in a tent forever. You’re going to need a reliable source of water.

Yeah, it’s a lot to think about. But remember, there are zombies! I know some of you are bound to be The Walking Dead fans, so this should all look familiar to you. I’ve never so much as seen half an episode, so somehow that ought to prove that this exercise is also fun for non-zombie enthusiasts...right? Anyway, you’ve got your basics and you’ve got your people.

But have you really thought about your people? I know you’re all going to want to take the family, which is great and you should, but you need to think bigger than that. Who do you know that has outdoors skills? Medical skills? Do you know a general contractor? Someone with a green thumb? Who was in 4-H as a kid? What about a crafty person who can make something from nothing? And that friend you have who likes to go hunting for mushrooms?

I know, right? If you’ve ever played the cooperative board game Pandemic, you’ll know that the right blend of expertise can be the difference between survival and a world overrun with crazy killer diseases. It’s the same to survive in a hostile environment. Diversity of skills is key. Choose your people wisely.

***My editor would like it noted for the record that “basic worker bees like [her]” are important, too, and she's right. Remember your Hufflepuffs, people. Their dedication and loyalty may save your life.***

Food and water sources are obviously very important. If you have the space and can stockpile non-perishable goods, that’s a great start. A water filtration system or rain barrels are also good. Eventually, though, you’re going to have to look elsewhere for these things, and there’s always the possibility that you may not have been able to get everything in the vehicle or convoy of vehicles in which you fled. This is where local geography is going to come in very handy indeed. Know your local water sources. Know your native plants and animals.

Know what makes squirrel palatable.

An ideal situation would be a wooded area on a coastline with a fresh water source that flows to the sea, but that might not be attainable, so you’re going to have to work with whatever you’ve got. “Improvise, adapt, and overcome”, amirite? Anything goes when there are zombies, so go ahead and carve out a niche for yourself in the nearest open space or county/state park. Just make sure it’s also easily defended against other people who may not have been as prepared as you, or, you know, zombies. High ground is a sought-after location for a reason.

While we’re on the subject of defense, let’s talk about your armory. (Zombies, remember? Also possibly roving groups of people who didn’t plan as well as you did, or are just assholes.) Everyone immediately thinks ‘firearms’, and yes, they’re a good thing to plan to have (for more than protection--you gotta eat, ya know), but you have to remember that they’re machines. They require maintenance. They have a lot of working parts. This is the zombie apocalypse, and Amazon can’t deliver to “The hut next to the hill, down the river from what was formerly Guerneville”. The other thing to consider here is ammunition. Yes, you could stockpile the .9mm, but remember, you also have to travel with it and store it, and sooner or later you’re going to run out. What are your options, then? How about the dystopian favorite: the bow and arrow. Easy to build and maintain, and you’re likely to have an infinite supply of ammunition available, because arrows actually grow on trees. Not the world’s greatest marksman? How about a spear or a club? Personally, I’m a fan of the crowbar because it can be used as both a tool and a weapon. Two birds, one stone, my friends.

Simplification of transportation is also something to consider. Gas and spare parts will only be around for so long. You know what’s relatively easy to maintain? A bicycle. Sure, it has its faults, too, but you’ll be able to use it long after the oil fields have gone up in smoke and the sides of the highways are Tesla graveyards. There’s also animal transportation like horses or mules, but don’t forget that they need to be fed and sheltered, too. If you think you can swing it, go for it, but weigh the odds first.

I could go on about this for a while, but I’ll stop here because I can see a few of you glazing over. But you have to admit that making the whole exercise of disaster preparedness into a game makes it significantly more interesting!