Thursday, May 12, 2022

I am at war with a Kaiser...

...but not the kind that's going to have me digging miles of trenches across Europe.

The American healthcare system can eat a veritable smorgasbord of dicks. Most of you are probably already aware of this fact, so for your benefit, TL;DR, Elizabeth is going to complain about that whole "getting treatment" thing.

Still here? You'll wish you weren't.

So I've got this pinched nerve, which has been giving me trouble for two-and-a-half weeks now, and is requiring multiple chiropractic appointments per week, loads of prescription pills, and a whole lot of back-and-forth with my primary care physician for things like x-rays and "hey, it's been almost three weeks and some of these symptoms haven't improved, maybe it's time for an MRI because my chiropractor (who is much more helpful than you, Medical Conglomerate) is almost certain it's a bulging disc and the x-ray will help but an MRI would be more helpful." I've been running around after prescriptions and medical record releases and scheduling a chiropractor--who is completely independent of my regular medical coverage--around my life which at the moment is really just work but still, it's exhausting. And quite honestly, I feel like this is really enough to be dealing with, but there are some sneaky judicial types who have decided they want to try to mess with my insides, but as you read last week, I'm going to beat them to the punch come Hell or high water. I knew that was going to be an uphill battle, but after what feels like about eleventy-bajillion emails to my lady-parts-doctor I'm still coming up against hurdles. JUST DO WHAT I'M ASKING YOU TO DO. IF CONSULTATION FINDS THAT THERE IS UNDUE RISK, FIND ME AN ALTERNATIVE THAT IS NOT ONE OF THE THINGS I'VE ALREADY DONE*. THE IDEA HERE IS PERMANENCY.

Frustrated? Moi? You bet yer fuckin' ass I am.

It's exhausting having to chase all of these doctor-types around. It's like an episode of Green Wing, if Green Wing had been meant to be anything like a real hospital drama and not a surreal comedy romp. In this universe, there might actually be a Dr. Statham interrupting operations and eating the patient's newly-removed gall bladder just because his parking space isn't as near to the entrance as everybody's favorite heartthrob surgeon, Dr. Macartney's.

...you know what? I've changed my mind. That might actually be better. Bring me a camel to pet and I want my anesthetist to look like Donkey from Shrek, please!



*And also is not "your partner can get a vasectomy." Bold of you to assume that there's a vas deferens involved in this equation in the first place, or that it would need to be consulted if it were.

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