"Needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle."

Since our client base has now been notified, I am no longer required to keep schtum about the fact that the company I work for has been sold. 

It's not a publicly traded company, and it's a sole proprietorship, so I don't want you all getting the impression that this was some kind of cutthroat boardroom coup. Our owner and CEO has just decided that he wants to retire--at least partially. He's at an appropriate age to do so, and none of us harbor any feelings of animosity toward him for his decision. Obviously it was something of a shock last week when we were told about it, but that's how these things are handled. I had had a premonition, however. I've been through this before, and I know the signs of an impending change of ownership. In the spirit of total honesty, I'm pissed I didn't start a betting pool on it, because I could have made some serious cash. Oh well.

The beauty of working for a small company is that you know everyone. The hierarchy is still there, but it's less stringent. My entire team refers to our CEO as "Boss Man", and we razz him mercilessly at any opportunity--and he does the same to us. He is a genuinely decent human being, and when he told us the news, he was the one getting verklempt. We don't doubt for a minute that he did everything he could to ensure the best possible outcome for all of us. He told us about all the deals he passed on, or tried to make and failed. In the end, he sold us to the 'devil'--payroll leviathan ADP. (Cue much groaning and exclamations of disgust during our meeting.) It was his best option, however, so he took it, and not a single one of us blames him. Though we do make a lot of faces any time ADP is mentioned, which, given the circumstances, is about every twelve and a half seconds these days.

We all have a "sell by" date at this point. We've been guaranteed our jobs until then, and the severance is nothing to sneeze at. We have time to look for something new without being too rushed. ADP does have jobs to fill, yes, but not in our area of specialty in our geographical area, so much as they've tried to push the "you can apply for our jobs" message, we did the job search on their website and determined that they were blowing smoke up our asses.

And none of us actually want to work for ADP, because ADP is evil.

A great number of our clients are ADP refugees. They came to us because we can offer that personal touch that the big payroll companies can't. I have about 200 clients on my books. I know all of them. They call and email me directly, because I am their dedicated payroll manager. ADP doesn't do that. They have a call center, and you get who you get. The thing I'm hearing most from my clients right now is how they came to us because the anonymity of being just a number on a list was too impersonal--and they're right.

We've had a range of reactions, from rage (which we transfer directly to our CEO for triage,) to disappointment ("We left ADP for you because we didn't like their quality of service!") to clients who have been with our company for so long that they feel like they're losing a friend instead of a payroll provider--and I'm talking clients who have been with us for twenty-plus years!

At the same time, we're getting an outpouring of support and sympathy. I've had at least a dozen of my clients reach out just to tell me how much they've enjoyed working with me and asking me if I'll be going with them to ADP, or what the sale of the business means for me and my livelihood, and one of my clients, a husband and wife team with whom I've worked very closely have a freaking prayer bowl, and they're going to put us all in it, and I'm not religious at all but dammit if that didn't get to me.

On a more gratifying note, several of our clients have already placed 'dibs' on some of us. Our CEO's keeping a list of people who want us after our time runs out. I'm going to be talking to the CEO of one of my larger client groups next week.

Not gonna lie, right now, it's really nice to be wanted.

Look, Ma! No hands!

Okay, so I'm covering two desks at work this week because one of my teammates is on vacation, which means that I haven't got a single brain cell to spare. They were all used up by lunchtime on Monday. So you're not going to get much out of me this week. It's difficult to find the motivation to churn out something clever or insightful or funny or thoughtful or any of those other marks of which I fall short every week when you've used up all your gray matter at your day job.

It is what it is, ya know?

I will offer you this gem, however.

As I was on my way to the office on Tuesday morning, I passed a teenage boy on his bicycle. He was cycling without holding the handle bars. Now, this is a feat of balance that many bicycle riders learn to achieve, so that wasn't unusual or noteworthy in and of itself. Heck, a kid I went to high school with rode his bike to school like that every day. "There goes [dude] again, riding with no hands." No, what gave me pause was what I saw as I pulled up alongside him on my way past. 

This kid was riding his bicycle with no hands and with his full attention on his phone. 

I swear to you he was mid-text or something. I can't decide if I'm impressed or appalled. I mean, props to him for being able to do the two things at once, but...really?

I am at war with a Kaiser...

...but not the kind that's going to have me digging miles of trenches across Europe.

The American healthcare system can eat a veritable smorgasbord of dicks. Most of you are probably already aware of this fact, so for your benefit, TL;DR, Elizabeth is going to complain about that whole "getting treatment" thing.

Still here? You'll wish you weren't.

So I've got this pinched nerve, which has been giving me trouble for two-and-a-half weeks now, and is requiring multiple chiropractic appointments per week, loads of prescription pills, and a whole lot of back-and-forth with my primary care physician for things like x-rays and "hey, it's been almost three weeks and some of these symptoms haven't improved, maybe it's time for an MRI because my chiropractor (who is much more helpful than you, Medical Conglomerate) is almost certain it's a bulging disc and the x-ray will help but an MRI would be more helpful." I've been running around after prescriptions and medical record releases and scheduling a chiropractor--who is completely independent of my regular medical coverage--around my life which at the moment is really just work but still, it's exhausting. And quite honestly, I feel like this is really enough to be dealing with, but there are some sneaky judicial types who have decided they want to try to mess with my insides, but as you read last week, I'm going to beat them to the punch come Hell or high water. I knew that was going to be an uphill battle, but after what feels like about eleventy-bajillion emails to my lady-parts-doctor I'm still coming up against hurdles. JUST DO WHAT I'M ASKING YOU TO DO. IF CONSULTATION FINDS THAT THERE IS UNDUE RISK, FIND ME AN ALTERNATIVE THAT IS NOT ONE OF THE THINGS I'VE ALREADY DONE*. THE IDEA HERE IS PERMANENCY.

Frustrated? Moi? You bet yer fuckin' ass I am.

It's exhausting having to chase all of these doctor-types around. It's like an episode of Green Wing, if Green Wing had been meant to be anything like a real hospital drama and not a surreal comedy romp. In this universe, there might actually be a Dr. Statham interrupting operations and eating the patient's newly-removed gall bladder just because his parking space isn't as near to the entrance as everybody's favorite heartthrob surgeon, Dr. Macartney's.

...you know what? I've changed my mind. That might actually be better. Bring me a camel to pet and I want my anesthetist to look like Donkey from Shrek, please!

*And also is not "your partner can get a vasectomy." Bold of you to assume that there's a vas deferens involved in this equation in the first place, or that it would need to be consulted if it were.

Between the lines

A while ago I emailed my Ob/Gyn and inquired about permanent birth control options. Their reply managed to ignite my ire in a big way, and when they got to the 'regret statistic' I threw up my hands. I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to have the argument for the umpteenth time with the umpteenth human that yes, I really was sure that I didn't want any children.

Since there are Nefarious Plots Afoot to set this country's progress back several thousand years, my emotional bandwidth suddenly, miraculously increased. I sent a new email this week.

Here is the version I actually sent:

 

Hi Dr. So-and-so,

We had discussed [Procedure A] & [Procedure B] for me last year. We left off with the "regret statistic". I haven't had the emotional bandwidth to have that discussion (for the umpteenth time, with any human being) until recent events lit a metaphorical fire under a certain portion of my non-metaphorical anatomy.

Please be assured that I am as certain today as I was ten years ago when I decided that babies are very much NOT in my life plan. 

I would like to have both procedures listed above performed. If possible, I'd like to have them done at the same time, as I'm going to need to be sedated for [Procedure A].

Please let me know what our next steps are...[blah, blah, blah]

Thanks,
-Etc.

 

Minimal soap-boxing, really, but enough to get my point across. I hope. Here is the version I did NOT send:

 

Hi Dr. So-and-so,

We had discussed [Procedure A] & [Procedure B] for me last year. We left off with the "regret statistic". I haven't had the emotional bandwidth to have that discussion (for the umpteenth time, with any human being) until recent events lit a metaphorical fire under a certain portion of my non-metaphorical anatomy.

Please be assured that I am as certain today as I was ten years ago when I decided that babies are very much NOT in my life plan. I will elaborate, because it seems that to the general public that my simply saying, "No, thank you," is perpetually insufficient.

I do not wish to enter into the biological enterprise of pregnancy and its subsequent obligations. My reasons include, but are not limited to, the following.

-The US has one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the First World
-Between environmental destruction and political and religious B.S., we are most decidedly NOT leaving this world a better place for future generations, and it is my personally held belief that bringing yet more humans into the mix is both selfish and irresponsible
-There are an untold number of children already in this world who, through no fault of their own, are without families, and really ought to take precedence over any newly created humans
-I personally find pregnancy altogether repulsive

I would like to have both procedures listed above performed. If possible, I'd like to have them done at the same time, as I'm going to need to be sedated for [Procedure A].

Please let me know what our next steps are...[blah, blah, blah]

Thanks,
-Etc.

I mean, I didn't want to overwhelm the doctor...but part of me still thinks that maybe the full, uncensored version is the superior version, and I ought to have sent it on principle.

Then again, I don't want to get put on the High Council of Ob/Gyn's blacklist. I mean, at some point someone is going to have to deal with the parts of me that I'd like adjusted. It doesn't do to go 'round the place alienating people who might be useful.

Even if they refuse to take you seriously in the beginning.

Yeah, I'm still pissed about that.