Last Minute Gift Ideas

Christmas is next week, and we’ve reached the point where the questions “What do you get for the person who has everything?” and “Where do I get something that looks like I put at least a little bit of thought into it but is still relatively cheap and easy?” start to enter the minds of those of you who are perpetual holiday procrastinators.

You’d think you’d have learned by now, but you never do, do you?

Actually, if I think about it, what you’ve learned is that Amazon has same-day shipping.

We really are headed for those future humans in floating chairs from Wall-E, aren’t we?

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Any old way, if you’re keen to actually put a little more thought and effort into your gift giving than pressing the ‘Buy Now’ button, I have some ludicrous ideas for you.

For the Animal Lover:
The zoo provides all sorts of opportunities for gift giving! Whether it’s a membership, something from the gift shop, or an actual alligator you’ve wrangled out of the exhibit, the animal lover in your life is sure to appreciate your thoughtful present.

For the Office White Elephant Exchange:
An actual. White. Elephant. 
You can pick it up while you’re wrangling the alligator.

For the Foodie:
Hire Gordon Ramsay to go to their house and shout at them while they try to make a casserole. Trust me, they’ll love it.

For the Friend with Ten Thousand Children:
Earmuffs.

For the Music Lover:
iTunes gift cards and season tickets to the symphony are all well and good, but do you know what your fourteen year old nephew would really love? A drum set, so he can bang out his puberty-fueled frustrations in the garage--and drive your sister-in-law ‘round the bend at the same time!

For That One Relative You Only See at Christmas and Have No Idea What to Buy:
Um...an ugly sweater? (Yeah, I don’t know, either. They’re a total mystery, aren’t they?)

For the Bibliophile:
Go to the used bookstore. Buy as many books as the trunk of your car will hold. Visit the bibliophile. Build a fort around them with the books. Make sure to leave a hole so that someone can pass them the cheese plate from time to time during the day.

For the Crazy Cat Lady:
See ‘Bibliophile’, but replace books with cats.

For the Small Human(s):
SUGAR. Lots and lots of sugar. Make sure to give it to them about half an hour before they’re scheduled to leave the party so that their parents receive the full effect of the sugar rush--and the inevitable crash tantrums.

For Your Mother:
A lanyard.

For Your Asshole Über-Right-Wing Family Member:
A place on every Democratic candidate’s automated call system list, plus the Greenpeace and Planned Parenthood mailing lists, just because. Better yet, make a donation in their name.

For the Gearhead:
Some actual gears. It doesn’t really matter where they come from.

For Your Teenage Niece Who is Always ‘Going Through A Phase’ According to Her Parents:
More black nail polish. It doesn’t really matter what phase it is that she’s going through; if she’s between the ages of 13 and 17, black nail polish covers all your bases.

For Your Boss:
Anything that makes you look good. As long as it keeps you in their good graces, it’s the right thing. Booze is almost always a good idea. Or coffee. Or both. Possibly to be used in tandem.

For the Relatives Flying In From Far Away:
Something that is impossible to pack. Hey, if they can only be bothered to show up once a year, they deserve the headache.

For the Friend Who’s Always Late:
A watch. For the 16th year in a row.

For the Hypochondriac:
Plushie microbes!

For Your Pet:
Anything they want. They’re the true love of your life, after all.

And finally--

For the Vegetarian:
A cauliflower.

(Yes, that was a niche joke. The intended audience know who they are. But really, how funny would it be to slap a bow on a vegetable and just be like, “Here. You like these, right?”)

Happy holidays, you big bunch of doofuses! I love you all. Here, have a meme of Spencer Tracy as Richard Sumner in the film Desk Set (1957), misremembering the names of Santa’s reindeer.