Monkey Mind vs Monkey Mouth

I have trouble quieting my mind. Most people do. Everyone extolls the value of meditation from the metaphorical rooftops, but they usually fail to tell you how excruciatingly difficult it actually is. Even if you practice. Even if you go to a class specifically geared toward that sort of thing. Even if you have an app.

My brain runs on a minimum of two tracks at once. This, believe it or not, is a vast improvement. Prior to my ‘mind meds’ my brain was the equivalent of a squirrel in front of a quickly approaching vehicle; everything was everywhere all at once. It was a mental Grand Central Station up there, trains coming in and out at an alarming rate, all bound for different destinations.

If two trains enter a tunnel, each traveling at a different speed having left the same point of departure at different times, and one of them is carrying carload after carload of angry crows and the other is hauling a giant rainbow umbrella, sixteen tons of biodegradable glitter, a baby alligator dressed as Mickey Mouse, and a partridge in a pear tree, at what time will the trains reach Poughkeepsie?

Full disclosure, I just gave myself palpitations writing that. That used to be my brain all the time. Now it’s more like, “I’m listening to you talk about the company re-brand, but also making a mental grocery shopping list for when I stop at Trader Joe’s on the way home.” Much more manageable. Thank you, modern medicine. But there are still times when my rails open up to more trains of thought, and sometimes the normal two can be pretty frenetic, and that’s where the whole ‘learn how to shut it all up’ comes in.

And I’m lousy at it.

I have the paid version of the Headspace app, and it’s a great app. (I had been using the free version of another meditation app, but I had to switch because the woman who did the talking had inconsistent consonants. Take the word ‘feet’, for instance. Sometimes she would enunciate the ‘t’ at the end, and sometimes she would glottalize it, and you never knew which one was going to happen and I became hyper aware of this and started listening for linguistic variations instead of breathing. Yes, I know. But it was super distracting!) Anyway, Headspace is fine, as long as you stick with it (and I don’t because I’m lazy) but it still doesn’t solve the problem even when I am using it religiously. I know that the whole point is supposed to be tuning in and noticing when your brain goes down a rabbit hole and gently pulling it back and repeating that ad nauseum, but I’m terrible at it and I get mad at myself which defeats the whole purpose of the exercise and then we’re back where we started.

::throws up hands in disgust::

To a point, though, I’m grateful to have this particular problem isolated quite literally in my head. It’s one thing to have a racing mind. It’s another thing to have it all come out of your mouth non-stop.

I’m talking about the ol’ verbal diarrhea. The incessant chatter to fill the space where blissful silence could exist instead. People who were inoculated with phonograph needles. (Hoo, that’s a reference the youth of today won’t comprehend.)

I’ve known plenty of chatty people in my life. I don’t actually mind it, to a point, because it means that I don’t have to do the talking myself. I have a couple of friends that I can just sort of switch on and let go, and they talk until they’re done, or until I say, “Hey, you’re exhausting. Can we be done now?” And they’re lovely and they get it and they stop. Well, mostly. There’s only so much one can fight one’s own nature. So no, I don’t mind a degree of ‘monkey mouthery’. What I do mind is when Chatty Cathy can’t (or won’t) read the room. Then we have a problem.

A problem I would ideally solve with a pair of socks, or possibly some duct tape.

Moral: I need to be better at closing my mental train depot from time to time for regular maintenance. Focus on the breath, Faz. Just keep breathing. Acknowledge the 10:37 to Neverland, but don’t board. Don’t follow the Questing Beast. Do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect $200.

And we’re breathing...and we’re breathing...and we’re breathing...