That’ll be $12,493.12 after your coupon from the Sunday paper

Hi there, welcome to ‘Build-A-Girlfriend’©®™! Have you used our services before? Oh wonderful, then you’ll be working from a clean slate. Come with me and I’ll walk you through the process.

We’ll start with a body. All of our Girlfriends™ are custom 3D printed to your specifications. We have three models to start from--slender, average, and A Little Bit More to Love™--and you can play around with measurements and so forth here on this tablet. Each slider button is labeled with the corresponding body part, so, for instance, if I slide this one labeled ‘left foot’, you’ll see that the corresponding foot on the image gets larger and smaller. You can scroll to the right to access all the buttons for all the body parts.

Hm? Oh, it turned red because you maxed out that setting for that body model. If you try to make the breasts any bigger, your Girlfriend™ will be unable to maintain posture. Basically, she’ll fall over forward all the time. Actually, if you look in the upper-right-hand corner--do you see that little flashing exclamation point? That’s telling you that if you want to keep the breasts that size you’ll need to balance them out at a lower point in the body. Yes, in this situation shoppers traditionally choose to enlarge the model’s posterior. Once you hit equilibrium the exclamation point will stop flashing.

Well, you chose the slender model. Those are the most extreme measurements that model can support. If you want them bigger you’ll need to go up a model size, unless you want to pull her around everywhere in a little red wagon.

Yes, you will have to sacrifice the waist measurement if you go up a model size.

There are ways she can be dressed to accentuate the parts of her body you perceive as most important. There’s a pamphlet in the literature we send home with you. So would you like to try the average model, or…?

Sticking with the slender, okay. If you’re done with the body we can move on. Click the icon that looks like an eye and you’ll find the page with facial features. You can choose from the different categories--eyes, lips, and so forth--and adjust the size the same way as you did with the body. You know, bigger eyes for that doe-eyed Disney effect, Angelina Jolie lips, that sort of thing.

No, we’ll get to color at the end. There’s a final step that lets you tweak anything you’re not happy with after coloration. We’ll do hair next. Here’s the list of length, styles, and textures--no, no, that page is for hair in places on the body other than the head.

I think you’d be surprised, actually.

My opinion? Well personally I prefer the mid-length wavy, but ultimately it’s up to you--after all, she’s going to be your girlfriend--however, we do have the capacity to change the style later if you change your mind.

All set? Good. At this point I’d like to draw your attention to the list of add-ons at the left side there. For a nominal fee you can add a smattering of freckles, a cowlick that makes her look extra endearing when she’s all ruffled up first thing in the morning, a custom-designed birthmark…

An excellent choice. The freckles are very popular at the moment. And of course you can always come back and change them if you get tired of them. I’ll leave you to select your colors now. You can meet me back at the desk when you’re done and we’ll choose personality traits.


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Oh, she’s lovely! I’ll get the printer set up while you browse the list here of available personality traits. All of our Girlfriends™ come with a basic pre-programmed personality, but you’re able to pick three traits you would like to have enhanced.

Yes, just three. We’ve found that any more than that overloads the Girlfriend’s™ core processor. If it helps, our most popular traits for enhancement are “Sense of Humor”, “Hero Worship”, and, “Devil in the Sheets”.

I’m ready when you are. Just click “Finish” for me? Thank you. While she’s printing I’ll ring you up if you don’t mind. Let’s see here. One slender with extra large top and bottom, Keane eyes, Orange County Beach Babe™ color package, add freckles--that’s an extra $50, by the way. And you chose “Sense of Humor”, “Hero Worship”, and--oh. “Curious”. We don’t see that one shift a lot. They’re thinking of discontinuing it, actually. Could you insert your card, please? Right, and sign the screen...thank you very much. If you’d like to sit in the waiting room I’ll bring her out for you when she’s ready. Help yourself to the complimentary coffee!


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I’m back on the internet dating circuit, can you tell? ::grumbles::