How to Drive in California

Today, we will be exploring the correct way to drive in the state of California. California is unique in its geography, weather, and demographic spectrum, and while we could spend an infinite amount of time exploring the equally infinite microcosms of Californian driverhood, for purposes of simplification we will be examining the driving conditions and stipulations of the Greater San Francisco Bay Area.

Firstly, you must evaluate your driving needs: Will you be commuting? Will you only do some occasional driving, like once or twice a week to work and the rest of the time for small, local errands? Are you shuttling kids around? Do you need towing capacity for your weekend activities? Once you have determined your ‘must-haves’ in a vehicle, scrap the entire list and buy a BMW (or equivalent Mercedes, Audi, Lexus, or other luxury automobile.)

Next, know your terrain. Whether you are driving on twisty mountain roads, long stretches of straightaway through agricultural fields, cramped, congested city streets, or eight-lane freeways, always remember: It’s your road, you are the most important motorist on it, and everyone else needs to get the fuck out of your way.

The rules of the road only apply if you’re going to get caught breaking them. Speed limits and red lights are more suggestions than hard-and-fast regulations. It doesn’t matter in what order you arrive at the four-way stop, the object is to be the first person to get to go. Pass on the right if you feel like it. If you can make it, make the U-turn. ‘Keep Clear’ zones just clog things up--go ahead and sit in the middle of them. Same goes for blocking intersections on red lights. And hey, if no one sees you doing it, why shouldn’t you use the carpool lane when you’re driving by yourself? Let the other drivers prove you don’t have an infant in the back seat!

Dealing with other drivers is a pain no matter where you are. If someone is going too slow for your liking, tailgating is absolutely acceptable. Flashing your lights and honking your horn should accompany any and all close-proximity driving, as it warns the offending driver that you are there and you mean business. This works the same in reverse, of course. If someone behind you is going too fast, apply your brakes liberally, and try to do so in such a way that the offending tailgater can’t change lanes to avoid you. Hey, if he rear ends you it’s automatically his fault!

And speaking of changing lanes, you have three options open to you. Option number one is the safe and sane way--checking your mirrors and blind spot, making sure there’s enough space for your vehicle, adjusting your speed accordingly, signaling, and making the transition in as smooth a manner as possible. Option number one is boring and to be avoided at all costs. Option number two is to find a break in traffic where your car fits, line yourself up, start signaling, and then promptly slow down so that your rear bumper and the front bumper of the car at the back of the space into which you wish to merge are in line with each other. Continue to signal, but do not make any attempt to speed up the little bit it would take to get you safely into the other lane. This is sure to make the driver of the vehicle in front of which you are trying to merge absolutely seethe with annoyance. Option number three is to leave the consequences to luck and zip in and out of traffic without looking or signaling, thus causing everyone else to have to make way for you. After all, it is your road. Conversely, if you see someone attempting to change lanes you must make it as difficult as possible for them to do this--just because.

It is your sacred duty to wait until the last possible second to exit any freeway.

Road hazards such as curves (no matter how slight), hills, irregularities in paving, cars pulled off to the shoulder (especially if accompanied by law enforcement), and construction zones should all be approached with the same technique--the sudden and forceful application of your brakes. Otherwise, who knows what might happen?

Of course, all of this is easy enough under normal driving conditions, but we do need to make mention of the biggest problem drivers face: the weather. While the San Francisco Bay Area usually enjoys mild temperatures, occasionally weather happens. Here are some common adverse weather conditions and how to deal with them.

Strong winds
Make sure to drift across lanes and then snap back into the one you were originally in. A half-assed ‘Sorry’ wave is customary in these situations to anyone you may have nearly broadsided.

Fog
Your high beams will simply reflect back at you in the fog, so ensure that you have them on to facilitate maximum annoyance to yourself and others. Also, any suggested speed should be decreased by approximately 30 miles per hour, and make sure to brake for no reason every so often.

Rain
Water falling from the sky is always cause for alarm. Apply your brakes frequently and liberally, and travel at a minimum of 10 miles per hour below the suggested speed. If you anticipate making any turns or changing lanes, make sure to make these transitions as slowly and painstakingly as possible while ensuring that you purposefully delay or cut off anyone behind you. If you come upon any of the road hazards mentioned above, apply your brakes earlier and harder than you would under normal driving conditions.

Snow
Call in sick to work.

I hope you have found these tips helpful and that you will consult this definitive article before embarking upon any future car journeys within the quadrant bordered by Santa Rosa to the north, Brentwood to the east, Gilroy to the south, and the Pacific Ocean to the west. Your fellow drivers will applaud your commitment to the Bay Area standards of automobile transport, and you will be safe in the knowledge that you’re absolutely the only person on the road who matters.