The Delicate Art of Procrastination

***Shout-out to my good buddy, D., who inspired this post. You're fab, D. Now go set up your fucking 401(k) before I beat you to death with a stick!***

Hello, That Thing I Should Be Doing. I still have time before you need to be done, and you’re not the most interesting of things to do, so I’m just going to not do you for the moment, okay? Okay. I’d much rather read this book. Have you read this book? This book is amazing! It is the best book, and I can’t possibly do anything else until I have finished reading it.

::amount of time it takes to read a book later::

Gee, that book was great. Well, time to do That Thing. Ooh, but wait a minute! Do you know what that book made me think of? It made me think about that one historical thing, and now I can’t stop thinking about that one historical thing, so I’m going to put you on hold, Thing I Should Be Doing, while I do an internet deep-dive into the historical thing and everything surrounding it.

::amount of time it takes to go down an internet rabbit hole later::

Wow! Who knew that starting with that one historical thing would get me all the way to this really awesome new band! I’m going to have to listen to their entire discography and sign up for their newsletter and check their concert and tour schedule. Oh, neat! They’re going to be at that theatre near me next month! I’d better go push out an invite on social media to see if anyone wants to go with me.

::amount of time it takes to properly indulge a new musical obsession later::

I’m glad I talked to my friends about going to that concert, because one of them reminded me that I borrowed their popsicle molds last month and I still have them. I should go looking for those. I have no idea where I put them!

::amount of time it takes to ransack the kitchen in search of popsicle molds later::

Whew! Glad I found these. I should really go return them while I’m thinking about it. Better go fire up the car. Uh-oh, I need to get gas. And this vehicle is filthy! Better run through the car wash while I’m out.

::amount of time it takes to gas up a car and have it washed and drive to a friend’s house later::

“Hey! Here are your popsicle molds. Thanks for letting me borrow them. What? Pictures from your vacation to Tahiti? Yeah, sure, I’ll take a look”

::amount of time it takes to look at 3,762 photos of fruity drinks with little parasols in them and your friend’s feet in the sand later::

I should really consider a vacation. Those drinks looked awesome. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m out of fruit at home. Better stop at the grocery store. Hmm, do I need milk? How about bread? I can’t remember, so I should probably buy some anyway. Ooh! Buy one get one free on pickles!

::amount of time it takes to turn a quick pick-up of one item into a full-blown grocery shopping trip later::

Sheesh, I bought a lot of stuff. Better get it put away. Actually, there’s a lot of things around here that could do with picking up. And cleaning. I don’t think I can possibly sit down to do That Thing I Should Be Doing without spit-shining this place first. I’ll be too distracted by the mess.

::amount of time it takes to deep-clean an entire house later::

You know, I think I’ll do laundry while I’m at it.

::amount of time it takes to wash, dry, iron, fold, and put away several loads of laundry later::

Whew! I’m bushed. I deserve a break. I think I’ll make some food and watch a couple of episodes of something. Ooh! I could make that recipe I’ve been wanting to try, I have all of the ingredients now.

::amount of time it takes to make a new recipe later::

OMG this is amazing! I need to tell everyone about it!

::amount of time it takes to update all social media accounts with photos and a description of and a link to the recipe for your dinner later::

That was super yummy. I should go do That Thing, but I’m in the middle of an episode. I’ll just finish it first.

::amount of time it takes to finish the episode later::

What a cliffhanger! Just one more episode.

::amount of time it takes to watch ‘just one more episode’ later::

Just one more.

::amount of time it takes to watch ‘just one more episode’ later::

Just one more.

::amount of time it takes to watch ‘just one more episode’ later::

Aww, man, that’s the end of the season and the next one doesn’t come out for months! What time is it anyway? Oh, crap. Bedtime. That Thing is going to have to wait until tomorrow.

::amount of time it takes to sleep through the night::

I don’t think I’ve slept that well in months. Looks like it’s a beautiful day outside. I’ll make coffee and then see what I need to do tod— oh, yeah. Hello, That Thing I Should Be Doing. I didn’t do you, did I.

Well, shit.