The Single Human Male: a Field Guide

I am currently single. I do not wish to stay this way forever, so I am exploring options for meeting (and vetting) potential partners.

That’s the nice way of saying I’m braving the clusterfuckery that is the online dating scene.

Since actually paying for this service smacks of desperation, I have previously favored the free sites — OKCupid, Bumble, etc. — and so far haven’t had much luck. Oh, there are some nice enough people, sure, but no one who’s managed to keep my attention for longer than a few dates.

“Okay, so, free sites collect ‘hobbyist’ daters. I guess if someone’s willing to pay for the service they’re more likely to be serious. Worth a try?”

Enter eHarmony, where you don’t pay until you find someone with whom you want to communicate. I could have a mini-rant here about their marketing model, which is basically to bait you with only the written parts of people’s profiles and no photos or communication tools unless you pony up the subscription fee, but… actually, that pretty much covers it. Suffice it to say that I haven’t yet read anything that was enticing enough for me to fork over the cash.

However, I’m discovering trends, and I’ve developed the following field guide for recognizing the types of single human males found on dating sites to help any of you single ladies (or gentlemen, I don’t judge) in navigating the uncharted backwaters of the online dating cesspit, should you require assistance in doing so.

I present to you:
The Elizabeth Fazzio Absolutely Not Comprehensive & Probably Slightly Offensive Field Guide to the Single Human Male

Chapter One — Recognizing Your Subject

One-Word-Answer Man
One-Word-Answer Man fills in the sections of his profile with, as the label indicates, single words, or, when the question requires more than one answer, a bulleted list.

“What are you looking for in a partner?”

“Honesty. Thoughtfulness. Sense of humor.”

“Who has had the most positive influence on your life?”

“Parents.”

“What do you like to do on the weekends?”

“Hike. Snowboard. Have some beers.”

Good job, One-Word-Answer Man, I’ve learned so much about you.

The Jock
All of The Jock’s profile photos are action shots of him playing sports, or photos of him at sporting events. He has maxed out the check-boxes in the questions about sports and physical activities. His profile blurbs revolve around sporting events and team loyalties, and he seems to spend every waking hour that he’s not working engaged in some sort of sporting activity. There are other things out there in the world, Jock. It wouldn’t kill you to try some of them.

The Dictator
Oh, this guy. The Dictator starts all of the sections regarding his desired attributes in a partner with the phrase, “You should be”.

“You should be active, outgoing, and always up for a good time.”

“You should be equally at home out on the town as home on the couch with a good movie.”

You know what I should be, Mr. Dictator? I should be me. People don’t conform to checklists. This isn’t Build-A-Girlfriend.

The Outdoorsman
The Outdoorsman claims to be most at home in the wilderness. His photos all have pine trees or huge boulders in them, and he’s usually wearing a large backpack and a bandana that looks as though it could stand up on its own. He’s looking for someone to go hiking and camping with, someone who doesn’t mind getting a little dirty. Someone who’s up for adventure! He probably has a large dog and a Subaru, and if he had his way he’d move to the Sierras and live in a log cabin he built by himself and live on home-grown vegetables. He will claim to be the kind of guy you can safely take home to meet your parents. I hate to break it to you, bub, but there is no human being on God’s green earth who will impress my parents. I don’t even impress my parents. Next!

The Frat Boy
This dude is clean-cut, sharply dressed, physically fit, and probably works at a law firm or in sales. Everything about him is generic. He likes all the standard dude films and books (if he claims to read at all) and his ideal Friday night is a popular bar with a band and a group of identical Frat Boys. He is holding a drink in all of his photos, and the majority of those photos were taken at his fraternity brothers’ weddings. If he reaches out to you, he will ask incredibly generic questions and not know what to do if you use a word with more than three syllables. Really? The best you could do is ‘How do you usually spend Saturday night?’ Sorry, Mr. Frat Boy, I am not for you, and you are not for me. I mean, unless you want a side-job as a doorstop...

The World Traveller
The World Traveller wants a girlfriend with a current passport and a seemingly endless budget and supply of vacation days. His bucket list of places to visit is a mile and a half long, as is the list of places he’s been already. He waxes poetic about culture and cuisine and ‘learning and growing as a person’. One of his profile pictures is him in front of the Taj Mahal. Way to reinforce the stereotype, Mr. World Traveller. By the way, did you get the consent of the guardians of the South American children you posed for photos with before plastering them all over the Internet as heartstring-tuggers in your quest for a mate?

The Gym Rat
If you’re in the market for a workout buddy, this is your guy. He posts nothing but gym selfies and takes every opportunity to mention his workout schedule and proclivity for healthy eating. He makes sure to mention at least one vice (“Ice cream is my weakness, LOL!”) to make himself seem human, but it’s pretty obvious that his brains are in his biceps. When you’re on a first-name basis with nine-tenths of the members of your gym, and you know more details about their lives than you do about your own family, it’s time to leave, bucko.

The Intellectual
He idolizes Stephen Hawking and will happily discuss black holes with you. His ‘Books I’ve Read’ list reads like the ‘Who’s Who?’ of historical brainiacs. He’s looking for someone to have deep, complicated conversations with, someone with a passion for learning about new things who will throw themselves wholeheartedly into said new subject for fun. He dreams of being able to travel to outer space or the deepest portions of the oceans in search of new and exciting species. He has all of the BBC ‘Planet Earth’-type series on DVD. He is Very Serious. These guys dissect everything. Even jokes. They might laugh, but then they start picking it apart until it’s a sad pile of joke bones and there’s no more joy in it. Sometimes it’s okay to take things at face value, okay?

The Boy Next Door
‘God, baseball, and Mom’s apple pie’ is this gentleman in a nutshell. He holds doors, says ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, and is almost sickeningly wholesome. He will talk endlessly about how much his family means to him and how supportive they all are of each other and how he could never have become the man he is today without them. His faith is very important to him and it’s likely that the Bible is on his ‘Favorite Reads’ list. He is desperate to start a family, and probably wants a whole mess of small humans. Some of his photos have children in them and captions like, “My awesome niece and nephew!” Maybe it’s just me, but these guys bring out my inner evil in a big way. They’re so infinitely corruptible, I just want to ruin them! Muahahahaha! ::rubs hands together in evil glee::

Every Profile I Immediately Skip Due to Incorrect Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, etc.
This one kind of explains itself, really.

Look, I’m sure you’re all fine human beings, guys, but I’m particular. You should be particular, too! Finding a person to share your life with is NOT something where you settle for less than what you want and need. I’ve done that before. It didn’t work. I don’t recommend it.

Also, if I read the phrase 'looking for a partner in crime' once more, there will be bloodshed. 

The search continues...