The here and now

I swear I look in the mirror every morning and get a 502 error. The server is being pinged, but it’s not returning the requested information.

I don’t think I look as old as I am. I feel equal parts older and younger than I am. None of those things makes any sense when I see myself.

It’s so weird.

When I wake up in the morning and everything is stiff and creaky and every move I make is accompanied by a sound effect and my jaw is locked because I’ve been clenching it all night, I feel about eighty-five. I definitely don’t look eighty-five…yet.

When I get that first burst of energy of the day and I’m bouncing around the house getting ready and giggling at the nonsense running around in my head, I feel about eight. I definitely don’t look eight.

Maybe the problem is that I have no idea what “now” is supposed to feel like. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I knew what “now” was supposed to feel like. If I had to guess, it was probably between ten and twelve years ago, when I was freshly adulting and pretty sure I was going about it the right way. I mean, Early-Twenties-Me wanted to get married and have a baby. That’s what you did after finishing college and getting a job, right?

I am SO grateful that Early-Twenties-Me didn’t manage to bring that desire to fruition. I’d rather be lost in this quagmire of “WTF even am I right now” than doing the third grade carpool.

All I can do is draw comparisons, really. When my mother was my age, I was a toddler. Now-Me can’t imagine having a toddler—or the third- or fourth grader that that kid could have possibly been by now if Early-Twenties-Me had forced the issue. Now-Me is a slacker, my dudes. You can’t slack with kiddos, and Now-Me can’t not slack.

Of course, my definition of ‘slack’ is likely many people’s definition of ‘having one’s shit well-and-truly together’, but that’s beside the point.

For all its weirdness, though, I feel like I’m in the right place right now—even though I can’t define what that place is for the life of me. I’m doing what I want to do (outside of working hours, anyway). I’m experiencing Now-Me in all her messed up, fractured glory. Now-Me is pretty cool. She has no idea where she is or where she’s going, but she likes it here. She’s diggin’ the gray hairs. She’s groovin’ to her internal drummer.

She really needs to do laundry.

But she’ll get there when she gets there. Right now, she’s trying to learn to loosen up her drawing style, and that’s way more fun than pairing socks.

So, Now-Me, Mirror-Me, welcome to Limbo. It ain’t half bad.

Ho hum...

I've been flippant the last few weeks, and I feel like I owe you something insightful for a change, but since there's very little actually happening in my little partially-purposefully-sheltered corner of the world, there's really not much besides flippancy to be had at the moment.

I know we're all sick and tired of being sick and tired. We've been at this nonsense for almost a year now. To say it's wearing a bit thin would be an understatement. But what can you do?

The best you can with what you have, that's what you can do.

I've stopped shouting at myself for not doing things when I don't have the bandwidth. If no one will die if I don't do whatever it is, then it's okay not to do it until I feel like I can. We're all operating with fewer spoons than normal, so there's no point allocating the few that we still have to things that aren't make-or-break.

I've stopped getting annoyed with myself when art projects don't quite turn out the way I'd like. It's a bit specific, yes, but I'm done being uptight about it. Whatever goes on the page goes on the page. I can always do it again--and I'll have learned from having done it the first time.

I haven't stopped finding dancing in my living room significantly less fulfilling than dancing in a proper studio, but like I said, it's what you do with what you have. And what I have is an internet connection and a living room. Well, a bit of space inside my front door that is both living and dining room, and I move a few things around. It works well enough.

I haven't stopped wishing I could see real people face to face (beyond my coworkers, anyway).

And I've had a very strong craving for frozen yogurt.

Ah, well. It is what it is, isn't it? We'll keep plodding along, and hopefully something nice will happen.

Right? 

Mea culpa

I was just fired as a friend because I knew this existed and didn't tell someone.

I haven't thought about it in years, but it is still my fault that I didn't inform my dear friend and editor, the ever delightful and forbearing P. McT., that it was A Thing. So, to rectify my oversight, and as a most fervent apology to Miss P.--may she forgive the error of my ways and un-fire me--here it is for all of you:

The Muppet Movie Camera Test Footage (1979)

You have now been informed. I have done my duty.

Nothing interesting is happening, so...

 ...here's some funnies from around the internet.

Cold snap

 We're experiencing a spate of cold weather here in sunny California. I realize it won't be cold by the standards of anyone existing in the more extreme latitudes, but for us, here, it's bloody cold, okay? It's in the low 30s at night and it's not topping out much higher than 55 during the day. They were threatening snow. I think I caught a glimpse of a tiny patch right up at the top of Mt. Diablo, but I could be mistaken--I was driving at the time, and the sun was coming up over the mountain, so it was a bit tricky to take a good look. It's happened before up there. In 2009 it came pretty far down the mountain, actually. That was a Big Deal at the time. That was also just a super shitty winter all around, if I remember correctly. It might have been 2010. Either way, there was snow where snow usually wasn't, and everybody freaked out. 

The next thing to say about cold weather is that I don't heat my house. I have the original in-wall electric heaters from when this place was built in 1973, and they scare the ever-loving crap out of me. I keep thinking about replacing them, but I don't use my air conditioner in the summer, either, so it always ends up being a "what's the point?" in my head, and I move on. I do have a little space heater that I use when it gets really bad. It's terrible, but it does just enough to take the chill off. I wear layers and sit under blankets and have a pair of fingerless gloves so I can still do things while being a bit less cold.

Why, yes, my electric bill is quite low. Why do you ask?

I only ever had one snow day in the history of my academic career, and it was while I was doing my Master's degree in London. The entire city shuts down over a foot of snow. I'm still baffled by it. You'd think they'd have a plan. I mean, it's not like it's unheard of to get snow in the south of England. But no, school was called off for the day, as were the trains, the Underground, and the busses. I had a snowy exploratory of Hyde Park--I lived a block away--followed by a Nutella hot chocolate in a cafe somewhere in Bayswater. It was cold. The snow was novel. 

For a day.

After that, it was just a nuisance. I don't like snow. Some people who grow up in the climate to which I am accustomed go out of their way to get to snow. Lake Tahoe isn't all that far away from the Bay Area, and I've known people to get ski passes and make the drive most weekends between November and March. I've always thought they were touched in the head, but there you go. No, I'm not a big fan of the cold, fluffy white stuff that falls from the sky. It's wet, and it makes it hard to get around, and I have no particular interest in going up and down a hill all day in a silly puffy pair of overalls.

Ice skating is fine--at least that's contained. But I'd rather a mall basement rink than an outdoor ski lodge rink, or--God forbid--an actual frozen lake any day. I did once have my very own personal ice skating rink. It would have been 1990 or '91. We had a big freeze, and a water pipe burst. The water let out onto our patio, where it froze, and for a week or so I got to go "skating" in my sneakers every day. And what self-respecting child is going to turn their nose up at that?